Uxbridge's Leg-endry sacrifice

Genuine fake photograph of the leg on display which I totally forged.

Lord Uxbridge, also known as Henry Paget, was a British military officer who served during the Napoleonic Wars and was famously wounded at the Battle of Waterloo. The wound was severe enough to warrant the amputation of his right leg and despite the injury, Paget remained in surprisingly good spirits throughout. The surgeon who removed the appendage later remarked that during the excision Lord Uxbridge's pulse never raised above 66 bpm (lower than most people getting out of bed.) 

After this casual severance, someone present decided it appropriate to afford the limb a proper burial and even a tombstone which read: 

"Here lies the Leg of the illustrious and valiant Earl Uxbridge, Lieutenant-General of His Britannic Majesty, Commander in Chief of the English, Belgian and Dutch cavalry, wounded on the 18 June 1815 at the memorable battle of Waterloo, who, by his heroism, assisted in the triumph of the cause of mankind, gloriously decided by the resounding victory of the said day."

Mark Twain once remarked that "irreverence is the champion of liberty" Apparently not one to miss out on an opportunity, the owner of the property where the leg was buried, one Monsieur Paris, exhumed the artefact and put it on display, where visitors, including some high-profile figures, were allowed to see it. Even Lord Ubridge's son visited the attraction, rightly horrified to find the remains of his fathers' extremity on display for morbid tourists to gawp at, wanted the old scotch egg repatriated. some online sources report that it was recovered by the Uxbridge family and buried in the UK but another more interesting theory is that The amputated leg caused a "minor diplomatic incident" when the Belgian ambassador in London investigated the matter and demanded its return to England. However, possession is nine-tenths of the law and Paris declined offering instead to sell the bones to the Uxbridge family, causing further outrage. The Belgian Minister of Justice intervened, ordering the bones to be reburied, but the theory suggests they were secretly kept hidden instead and resurfaced again as late as 1934, after the death of the last Monsieur Paris in Brussels, whose widow supposedly found the bones along with documentation of their origin in his study and Fearing scandal, chucked them in a furnace to conclude this gruesome tale.

From Governor to Goblet: the misfortune of Sir Charles MacCarthy

A head above the rest: poor Sir Charles

The governor in happier times

In 1822 the British government was looking for a solution to the gold coast problem. They dispatched Governor Sir Charles MacCarthy to subdue the warlike Ashanti who wanted to maintain their own imperial control in present-day Ghana. MacCarthy travelled with a plume in his hat and a carriage drawn by six Africans and met the Ashanti in 1824 where he underestimated their dedication to the conflict. Having divided his force Sir Charles found himself outnumbered by the thousands and after a series of terrible blunders (including ammunition boxes filled with macaroni pasta instead of bullets), the warriors overran the British position. Sir Charles himself fought bravely with sword but after a series of injuries was debilitated and fearing capture shot himself. The enemy warriors ate his heart His heart, beheaded his corpse and took his head to Kumasi whereafter it was the main attraction of the annual festival of yams. Victorian bogeyman kofi karikari or king kofi to the British is said to have used the skull as a drinking cup.

Ashanti antics: the Festival of Yams

Kitchener: Bone-afide Headhunter

Actual photograph that doesn't exist anywhere.

When Lord Kitchener led the 1895 invasion in Egypt, crushing Mahdist resistance and asserting British dominance were the primary goals. However avenging the death of General George Gordon, who was killed in the Battle of Khartoum ten years earlier was also on Kitchener's agenda.

Muhammad Ahmad bin Abdullah bin Fahal, AKA The Mahdi, had led the victory against the British at the siege of Khartoum in 1885. The exact circumstances of Gordon's death are unclear due to a lack of reliable sources, the one eye witness account has Gordon gunned down near a gateway, then another reports his decapitation and from there, it depends on who's version you subscribe to. One theory is that the Mahdi had the bonce hung between two trees for children to use as target practice. Another is that the men who dismembered the corpse were not acting on the mahdis orders as in 1966 "Khartoum" where Hollywood has black-faced Laurence Olivier say "I forbade it". In any case, Plans for revenge were somewhat dashed as the Mahdi had died a few years before Kitchener's arrival, and his remains were held in a tomb by devoted followers. After the imperial victory at Omdurman, thanks in part to the all-new Maxim gun, Lord Kitchener is said to have ordered the tomb to be desecrated and though the text describing this event is not known to me yet the theory is that the Mahdi's skull was gruesomely exhumed and according to Winston Churchill, stored in a kerosene can for safekeeping. The head was sent to Britain, and the body was reportedly thrown in the Nile, leaving a disturbing question- where is it now?

The whereabouts of the stolen head becomes uncertain. Some suggest Kitchener used the grim trophy as an ink pot or drinking cup others suggest it was offered to Victoria as a gift. Recent theories suggest that the head was repatriated and finally laid to rest.

Jury Booty, Captain Kidd's pirate trial.

Captain Kidd Commission 1695.

Somewhere out there, maybe buried in some secluded spot or perhaps underwater in an old mottled shipwreck,  is a chest full of invaluable but reputedly cursed treasure. A mixture of ill-gotten gold and gems obtained by looting ships in the West Indies. They are the remnant mystery left by the age of buccaneers (literally people who use a boucan to cook) and, if the legend is true, were hidden there by Captain William Kidd.

Kidd was a privateer whose notoriety stems from an unusual double commission obtained from William III. Firstly to defend trade routes off the coast of North America from pirates and secondly, to seize any enemy ships that he might encounter. This came with the understanding of course that he would leave any allied ships unmolested. It's alleged that Kidd did not operate within the confines of his commission and was himself, decided in parliament, to have turned pirate. Worse still a royal proclamation had been released offering to acquit the crimes of other pirates up to a certain date if Kidd could be brought to justice.

One indication of William Kidd's potential guilt was that the ship he had been sailing was in fact a stolen allied ship but William maintained that any vessels seized were those of his enemies. He also offered perhaps what he thought was a cast iron defence- that any occasion the law was broken happened because the crew were acting without his consent. He even stated that the crew were mutinous and threatened to shoot him in his cabin. The poor captain's excuse was rendered somewhat futile, in part because some of his "mutinous" crew were at the trial to testify, albeit expecting to be exonerated by the aforementioned pardon. They attested to Kidd murdering one of the crew himself (whether intentionally or not) by hitting him on the head with a bucket, fracturing the man's skull and dispelling the captain's meek self-portrayal. Kidd's defence was that he had committed the act in an attempt the quash a rising mutiny and hadn't meant to kill the sailor. In addition to this were the various artefacts of gold, silver and valuable trinkets that Mrs Kidd had bought with her to London whilst her husband was on trial (whilst valuable these did not equate to a large haul hence rumours that Kidd stashed the booty). Kidd declared that those items were obtained legitimately in line with his commission but this was almost irrelevant; for the crown sought to use this opportunity to make a scapegoat of Kidd and had already determined his guilt before the trial began and possibly (conspiracy alert) before he'd even set sail for the west indies. Realising the impotence of further argument "It is hard that the life of one of the King’s subjects should be taken away upon the perjured oaths of such villains as these. Because I would not yield to their wishes, and turn pirate, they now endeavour to prove that I was one.” said he, the solicitor then asked if Kidd had any more questions to put to the witnesses he despairingly replied: “No! no. Bradingham is saving his life by taking away mine. I will not trouble the court any more, for it is a folly. So long as these men swear as they do, no oaths of mine will be of any avail.”From "Captain William Kidd and Others of the Buccaneers" by John S. C. Abbott.

Was Captain Kidd guilty?

William Kidd had always insisted on his innocence, as people facing the gallows often do. The fact of acquiring the spoils is not in doubt Kidd even wrote a letter which alluded to a hidden £100000. So the debate lies in Kidd's defence- Was he forced into freebooting by a mutinous crew? 

In any account that describes how Kidd took a ship his MO suggests he was intentionally pushing the limits of his commissions remit in anticipation that his actions could eventually be bought to trial. If a ship's captain informed him that they were not French he would say they were lying and thus ratifying the privateer's actions if only to serve as a comfort with which to delude himself. One can see how the temptation for Kidd to turn pirate may have worked in his mind: the letters of commission could be seen as carte blanch to do as he pleased and make himself very rich then later exonerate himself by blaming it on the crew. If Kidd was indeed innocent he would surely have known how suspicious his circumstances were. Ultimately Kidd's guilt was possible but not proven and the trial was biased. This is reflected in the pardon of all of the other characters, not just pirates, implicit in the profit of plunder. Kidd provided a patsy, to bring an expedient end to the scandal.

Kidd was sentenced to hang from the neck until dead. Contrary to popular culture references Kidd did not offer to give out information about buried treasure in his final words I suspect that is alluded to based on these lines from a popular lullaby: Come all ye young and old, see me die; Come all ye young and old, you’re welcome to my gold, For by it I’ve lost my soul, and must die. He was hanged at Execution Dock in Wapping and then displayed in the gibbet for three years as a foreboding warning to other pirates.

An illustration depicting Captain Kidd's

Body held in the gibbet cage.

John Cleese- Creativity: How modern culture has stifled comedy and what is "Funny"

I stumbled upon a captivating podcast featuring John Cleese, where he shares his perspective on the "woke" fascination with the British Empire. It was incredibly insightful, as he eloquently articulated points that are often challenging and frustrating to defend when discussing Britains imperialist history. His succinct approach made it truly enlightening and helpful in navigating such complex topics.

Click here to listen to the podcast

An English Spy